Skin

Unless you've had acne problems your whole entire life, you probably never paid much attention to these type of commercials:

I like to say that it was the one gift that my biological father left me, for life.

I know that people keep saying to me: "It's about cleaning your skin and keeping your hands off your face."

First, that's bullsh*t.

There's no way in hell that anyone touches their face that much to get that amount of acne.

Second, it's got to do with hormones, moron. (Well, that's what I'd love to say to them.)

In reality, mine and my biological father's hormones are, essentially, "screwed up" and in a perpetual state of pre-teen angst.

I hate that my face is all jacked up to the point that all I can see is the facial scarring.

Over-the-counter "working" solutions are often hard to come by.

Seeing a dermatologist is probably the best solution, and one that will cost me a pretty penny, so I'd need to start saving up to do so before I slap the first paycheck to a facial cream expert.

I've tried a variety of creams, lotions, pills, herbs, diets, etc.

I've been fighting this battle for over 20 years.

And it doesn't have a damn thing to do with touching my f*cking face.

{*sigh*... breathe}

I will say that changing to a vegan diet significantly reduced it.

But as soon as I get anxious, upset, worried, depressed... anything that's basically "not happy"... here they come.

I was like Kevin in the video... "Oh no, I'm cool... going to save up for a... uh... movie next week... hey, do you want to go to a dark movie theatre instead?  Sounds great to me!"

Having acne sucks, and you get used to living your whole life around it.

Hairstyles become efficient face-hiders or you do like me and just chop it off anyway since you're not a coif-queen.

So, you develop a "nice personality."

Something that will help people get past your cratered face.

You hope that they won't spot the new scar, mound, or pit... and just concentrate on the conversation.

Funny thing is, most people would associate my pimple-ridden face with "being dirty".

Then, I just laugh at them.

I have OCD... and my release?  Cleaning.

I clean... A LOT.

Don't believe me, just ask my girlfriend... or hell, ask anyone I dated or lived with for years.

I'm agitated, right now, because I so want to scrub and clean the bathroom and house floors, but I can't because my back hurts too badly and my feet are aching.  I did manage to do two loads of laundry, clean the kitchen (again), and start the loaded dishwasher.  Yes, I do know I'm supposed to be on vacation, but that IS my vacation... oh yeah, and I did clean the bathroom, because I was bored and waiting for laundry.

Anyway...

 ... back to my face-rant.

I'm saying all this stuff because I'm so sick and tired of people being stupid idiots and telling me the same myths that have been blasted all over creation since who knows when:

MTYH 1#:  You eat too much grease. (*or greasy food*)

RESPONSE #1: I'm vegan.  I barely have grease on ANYTHING.  And, there's such a thing as "non-stick".  I know, you haven't moved on to the 21st century yet... I'll wait for you to catch up.

MYTH #2: You eat too much junk food.

RESPONSE #2: My sisters, mom, and others can tell you that I wait forever to eat any sweets or candy.  Not because I have blood sugar problems, although that is a contributing factor, but just because I never ate many sweets.  I heard that most people are sweet or savory persons... I'm the latter, obviously.

MYTH #3: You don't wash your face enough.

RESPONSE #3:  First, see the OCD Rant I did earlier.  Second, I used to take two showers a day... on average... because I have OCD... and I'd SCRUB... I'm surprised that I'm not permanently pink, now.

MYTH #4: You touch your face too much.

RESPONSE #4: Nay.  I actually touch my face way less than most people even touch their faces... especially for a female (they touch their faces way more... with applying makeup and whatnot).

Speaking of makeup.

I used to wear A LOT of it to cover up my face.

I mean... a lot.

And then I discovered MAC... which is the holy grail for crater/pimply/scarred faces like mine.

Not only did it cover up the ghastly things, it also helped my skin to breathe, smelled good, and actually had stuff in it to help improve my skin.

But, alas, I didn't like wearing makeup.

So, I stopped.

I actually stopped everything girly all kind of like at the same time... because I found out that I wasn't that type of person deep down inside.

But that's another story.

This one, my skin, is a story of how I feel about my skin.

Ironically, I don't get pimples anywhere else really except for my face.

It's also the same place where I get moles (don't worry, they're not cancer... they're not changing color or size... and moles run in my family).

All I've done here is just say that I know that my skin is not the typical "perfect".

I know that people stare endlessly at the new scar, bump, or pit on my face.

But, I've grown to accept it as part of me... even when I hate it.

I understand that life throws us lemons...

... and sometimes we put those lemons on our face to make the pain go away...

... but the beauty is accepting the thing that you hate the most about yourself...

... and making it part of your identity.

Maybe the truth is that there's nothing wrong with the way my face reacts to life.

Maybe I just need to understand that my face is that way because... reasons.

And if I stop looking at it that way... the hateful way... then maybe I can start looking at myself instead of what people see on the outside.