Lifetime

I am renewing myself.



Although, I think I renew faster than most people.

Loss

We all yearn for forever...



The question is: Why?

Attractive

This is one of my all-time favorite movies...



... it approaches the subject of attraction on varying levels.

Misfit

Today, I had the eerie feeling that I didn't fit in.



And later on, I was right.

Limits

What would it be like to be a perfect version of yourself?



A person without limits.

Acceptance

Accepting the truth never gets easier...



After a while, you start to forget how damaging it is to circumvent it.

Deny

Let's start this off right... with a series of Shia LaBeouf "NO's"



That's better... now we can talk.

Request

I am Kip's disappearing friend request.

You Have 0 Friends
Get More: SOUTH
PARKmore...

*sigh*

Parallel

This scene from Sliding Doors sums up my yesterday:



I swear that I was only trying to do what was right.

Moth

"Like a moth to a flame, burned by the fire."



That's the way love goes.

Drugs

One of the many reasons I often refuse to take prescription medication:

Well, not exactly. But close.

Good-Day

Remember that scene from Unbreakable?



Yeah, so that happened to me today.

Girls

Women are a strange, strange bunch:



I feel like I need to explain myself... again.

Love

Love sucks ass:



Thanks, Adam Levine.

This is what happened...

Apartment

So, if you've never seen Joe's Apartment...



... now you have.

And you've got an idea of what I've been through in the last few weeks.

Pride

This weekend is St. Louis LGBTQ PrideFest...



... and this will be my first one as a non-vendor in many years.

Overlooked

Let's start this off on a light note:



Although I do not always agree with Coach McGuirk, I do in this instance.

Broke

A little lesson on how my morning started:

Who Invented the Number Zero? -- powered by ehow

In a way, I woke up to the reality of that.

Hatchback

This was my first car (the 1988 version):


This car started my love affair with all things hatchback.

Survival

Recently, I've taken to defending my home:



And let me say, I don't even wish this on my worst enemy.

Future Goals

For a while, I thought my life would be like this:


American Psycho Business Cards by ContrarianProfits

And then, it changed.

Freedom

I sat... rather, laid... watching the following program on Netflix last night:

Watch the full episode. See more The Buddha.

Buddha.

For years, I have been attracted to Tibetan culture.

Geeking Out: Dallas Comic-Con

So, I was fortunate enough to attend this glorious event:

Untitled from ben stevens on Vimeo.

I was soooo excited to see everyone there.

Well, I only really wanted to see Stan Lee and Spock (Leonard Nimoy, to you non-Treks).

Really Really Intense Feelings

I wake up on May 16th, the day before my birthday, thinking about these two occurrences. Then, I ask myself "What do they mean?!"

Well, if I were sitting in my psychologist's office, he would say, "What do you think they mean?" and listen intently.

So, here I am... trying to think of things to distract me, like videos.

So, I watch this:



Funny, right?

Angry Rattlings.

Today's venture was... unexpected.

I did my best to keep my opinions impartial.

I think most people are displeased, in one way or another, of my choices.

I feel the need to explain them out in full detail, but won't.

I do understand that most people are not aware that what I want at this moment is to start my life over.

Once, I was a happy young lad. I would walk around and do things and spend money as I pleased. I felt lonely often. I just wanted someone to go on a vacation with... like a friend. Someone close.

The problem arose when I found out that having another person around costs money. *Me* money. I'm not referring to those that simply ask for a loan of a couple of bucks or more. I'm talking about the expectation split along the male/female gender lines. Basically, I look male. I'm expected to pay. For everything.

Lessons Learned - Again, again

I spent some time this evening thinking over things.

I have a lot of projects in the fire, most are in danger of being in some sort of dismay.

I'm trying my best to keep things together - happy - if you will.

I drove to work today exhausted. I had spent the whole night thinking over things: The Center, my freelance work, my job.

I had been working on restoring my relationship back to its full vigor. I took time out through numerous counseling sessions to find myself - to look deeper into the abyss that is "me".

I think if it weren't for the glimmer of things: Pachi's grunts, the little "hello" from newfound friends, the occasional Rice Dream Bites - I would have long ago succumbed to the fate that befalls many of us with depression.

As long as I've had a pet, the best thing for me to do is to distract myself with their love, care, and dedication. Even my rabbit, Pachi, has done so much to improve my self-esteem. He loves me, purely because I spend time with him.

Pachi's affection is pristine... and I use it as my Geiger-counter for fake or less than authentic flailing interactions with the "human" community. I can see when a person is just trying to pretend to like me, just for the reason to get what they want. It's easier to detect when I need to make a crucial move based off logic and avoid fictitious scenarios of friendship.

Each one of my buns has taught me so much about life: Snuggles - to laugh even when I'm crying; OodaBu - that 'tude is sometimes necessary; and finally, Pachi - to take time out to love the ones that love you back.

And now... I've learned to take my time, because it's a good thing.

Surviving the War

I've been fighting with this individual over the past 4 years now.

The person decided long ago to throw me away and kick me to the bricks. I haven't said much.

I think the thing that irritates me the most is that I tried to love this person, dearly. I sat, listened, even researched their cause, all in an attempt to get to know the person.

And I think I realized, just now, that the person didn't know that I changed.

The main reason why I say this "person" is no longer willing to cooperate or communicate with me is because the individual has given up on me and everything around me.

I sacrificed up my home, life, and well-being all for the cause of being more "myself". I guess you lose people in that battle.

Maybe people want you to become a part of an automaton community. They want to see you blend into the blahness of their surroundings.

And as soon as you say two words to anyone, they blow up at you. They make you feel like sh*t only because they themselves feel like sh*t.

So what do I do? I try to love them. Care for them. Understand them. Only to have these same people smack me in the face with nothing but disdain.

I should hate people. I should hate the way they treat me, the things that they say to me. I should want to tear them in two, and just laugh at their mangled mess. Their lives torn asunder.

But I don't. I sit. I wait. I PRAY for some sort of recognition that will tell me that my hope is not in vain.

Maybe one day this person will straighten up. Maybe this person will stop being so picky. Maybe one day, this person will grow up.

Work-A-Lot

Being a Capricorn moon, meaningful work is the only thing that really calms me down.

Something about me doing something with my hands makes facing emotions much easier.

For example:
+++++++++
Last night, I sent out about 1,000 emails.

Why?

Because it needed to be done.

I was tired.
+++++++++

Common Myth: Workaholics like working a lot.

Truth: No.

I like resting.

I like sleeping.

Work is my coping mechanism.

Never stops.

One thought leads to another, that leads to another.

These thoughts make me feel like crap.

That is what depression is to me.

I get up in the morning, try to focus.

I think about good things, I try to concentrate on the grateful things in my life.

Then depression hits... it could be a combination of things.

I'm tired, the car won't start, it's cold outside, and the help I ask for doesn't understand what I need.

So what do I do?

(I say) That's okay, I'm just tired... I can handle it.

(I say) That's okay, the car is just having a bad moment... I can handle it.

(I say) That's okay, it's just cold outside, and the car won't start, and I'm tired... I can try to handle it by calming down.

(I say) That's okay... I'm just tired, and I need to figure out what to do now, and it's cold out, so I need to handle that... okay... I'm tired, I am having trouble thinking... I can handle it... it's okay.

(I say) I'm tired... I can figure out what to do with the car... okay... it's cold... I'm having trouble thinking... okay... I need to get out the car and go in the store... okay... I can ask for help.

(I say) I'm tired. I can handle this. I can do this. I am tired.

(I say) Okay, I'll just need to get the car started and things can be okay. Let me focus on that. Okay... let me maintenance the car... while I wait for it to possibly charge... so that I can go home and get warm. I can deal with it a while longer.

(I say) Okay, I have to find something to do while I wait for the car. Okay. I can handle this.

(I say) Okay, I can figure out what to do with the car in the meanwhile. I'll try again.

(I say) Okay, the car started. Good. Okay. Now I have to drive the car on the highway. I'm tired. I'm having trouble thinking. I can handle this.

(I say) Okay, where should I go? How long should I drive? I'm tired. I can handle this.

(I say) Okay, what should I do to prevent this from happening again? I'm so tired. I can drive. I'll just zone out.

That was about one hour of steady thinking.

I still have yet to stop.

That's why I'm writing now.

To stop.

Now.

Being Vegan in STL

For some insane reason, I got this idea to go ahead and just jot down all my favorite vegan hotspots and how I survive day-to-day in a meaty town.

The obvious:
St. Louis likes meat. St. Louis Ribs, for one, have been - albeit sometimes poorly - imitated throughout the country. We've got stockyards and there's barbecue places in most urban neighborhoods. I grew up eating most parts of the pig in bbq form.

Why I made the switch:
For various life reasons, I ended up eating mostly fruits and veggies for a big part of my teen years. As a result, I was way more used to culinary wizardry with vegetables than with meat products. After being introduced to vegan eating and seeing I was lactose intolerant and not a big fan of eggs anyway, I figured this would probably be the best way to go seeing that I knew, now, where to get my protein.
So first, let's start at home.

No, I don't grow plants in my apartment that provide me with all the fruits, veggies, and the like (although, that wouldn't be a bad idea). My bun would get to them first, anyway.I have a few staples that I keep because I'm always on the go (I work 5 days a week... well, really almost 7). I don't have time to cook a full meal and sitdown dinners with delicately sliced and garnished nom noms.

Soo... I pack my pantry with things like Luna Bars, instant oatmeal (and some regular kind on standby), bananas, dried cranberries, cereal, and maybe a few instant coffee single-serving packets.

I bet you think that I only buy this special holistic expensive brand, right? WRONG! When I start rolling in the dough, the quality of my food and the brand names may change, but here's a list things that I keep in the cupboards for now:

{Also see: Accidentally Vegan at http://www.peta.org/living/vegetarian-living/accidentally-vegan.aspx }
* Quaker Oats oatmeal
* Chiquita Bananas
* Craisins (I think from Ocean Spray)
* Kellogg's Rice Krispies
* Starbucks Via packets
* And... these bad boys:

(yep, they're vegan, too)

Any of that sound familiar??

I shop at Schnucks and Shop 'N Save like the rest of you. The only difference is that you'll probably see me standing in the middle of the aisle reading through the ingredients list.

How long does it take me to read the ever-growing list of things on the back of a package? Usually a couple of seconds. I've gotten good at this. I've been reading labels for almost 8 years now. I know how to easily spot a milk or meat product right off the back (pardon the pun).

Most brand names won't change their ingredient lists - for obvious reasons. As a company, you want to maintain the taste and texture that your consumers have grown to love. It's a waste to change it just because you wanted to "test them out". However, I am happy that Pepsi has brought back the Throwback (ahem... in your local Target stores... ahem).

So, outside the house. Do I have to go to some fancy-schmancy special eatery place?

No.

How about this list:

* Taco Bell
* St. Louis Bread Company (Panera, for the lot of ya)
* Qdoba Mexican Grill
* Chipotle
* Noodles & Co.
* Crazy Bowls and Wraps (these are quite hard to find)

{More fast-food lists at http://veganeatingout.com}

I'll just stop there. These are all fast-food or fast-casual eating establishments. All of these places I can walk into with my tattered jeans or sweatpants (usually, sweatpants) and order up whatever I want without getting a dirty look from the employees there.

If I do want to do any "fine dining", I usually find an Indian, Vietnamese, Thai, or other ethnic restaurant and eat there. Usually, I can find something vegetarian on their list that I tweak just a bit to make it vegan. Basically, I say "No cheese or egg"... voila, it's done!

Even if I'm stuck eating at a fancy place that doesn't know the word "vegetarian"... I usually just ask for the pasta with marinara sauce... and maybe some grilled veggies on the side and start off with the house salad with oil and vinegar. By the way, spaghetti noodles usually have no egg in them.

So what about ordering out?

Simple:

* Papa John's
* Pizza Hut
* Local Chinese restaurant
* Jimmy John's
{Also see Vegan Eating Out at http://www.veganeatingout.com for area-specific places}

I love PJ's for the simple fact that they have vegan breadsticks and don't use butter in their garlic sauce (yum)! Most pizza places have either regular or thin crust dough that is void of egg or milk. Any pizza can be ordered without cheese. Chinese take-out and delivery places almost always have tofu you can add to their vegetarian dishes for an extra charge (I normally ask for the amount of tofu I want in $1 increments) - even if it's not on the menu! Jimmy John's is simple. If I don't want to go with the bread, I have an option of choosing the lettuce wrap ;-)

So being vegan hasn't been all that bad. Yes, I do make the shopping trips to Trader Joe's and WholeFoods for specialty items. But as more and more people are starting to "watch their calories and cholesterol", I'm starting to see vegan alternatives offered in more quantities at the local grocery store.

Let's not forget the produce stands with low-cost fruits and veggies as well as the clearance areas of some grocery stores (sometimes a vegan item doesn't do so well on the shelves, so I stack up).

Oh, and there's the proverbial, always-vegan peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Yes, white bread is vegan. No, they probably didn't do it on purpose. Yes, I'm taking full advantage of it.

On a whole, I can go shopping for a month and not spend more than $100 on groceries. If I'm REALLY good, I can make it down to about $70 for the month. If I actually used coupons, I could probably spend about half that.

Shopping in St. Louis for grocery items and living a vegan life (that's just the food, there's the whole clothing aspect that I won't get into) is not very hard if you know where to look and don't mind reading some labels.

I hope I've given you an itty bitty insight into my vegan world and a few links to help out when shopping for your vegan friends.

Have a great day :-D

Bible Kick: Beliefs, Politics, and Money

For a while, I've been listening to stories about the Bibles. The intrigue, information, and wonder draw me in each and every time.

The interesting parts - turning water into wine, the crucifixion, the dedication of followers - all sound like a story that I would want to tell my children... and have them tell their children, and so on. Besides, Santa Claus, the Loch Ness Monster, and the Easter Bunny have all survived such lineage.

One of the things I like the most about the biblical stories are the graphical representations. I know that Jesus will always almost be white (he's gotten kinda white-ish now, I've grown used to everyone in the Bible being mystically European). I know that I'm always going to see Moses as this old guy holding up a staff and parting a huge ocean-like sea. I know that Noah's arc is going to be something on a gargantuan scale with all the modern world's animals climbing peacefully on board. No wonder I like Sci-Fi.

One of the parts I look forward to are when people interpret what God means and compare it to something we see nowadays. I find myself going the other way - comparing movies to the biblical stories (like the recent Tron reload... it seemed so spiritual). And my love for biblically-themed Sci-Fi has intergrated itself into my personal movie library. Most movies that I buy copies of tend to lend themselves to the theme of (reluctant) Good Samaritan or flawed superhero.

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to know more about God. Not the deity moreso than the belief of the deity. Why one god? Why must everyone worship him? And if so, why doesn't EVERYONE worship him?

I mean, why didn't anyone just tell one main story: "Hey, there's this guy in the sky and he wants you to follow rules, see? You just have to do what he says. No, you'll never see him unless you die. All that stuff that happened in the book doesn't happen anymore, okay? So, stop asking questions... just follow the rules." Sounds like high school.

I like Jesus. I think he's a cool guy that I really would like to meet. He and I can hang out. Now, I don't drink too much so I probably would just have a lot of water. We'd walk around, talk about theories and life. I think he would be my best friend that I could go to for just about anything.

Because of certain restrictions with another religion, I won't give my ideas about that one.

I happen to know a lot of Jewish friends. That's probably just by incident because of the place where I live. They've all reminded me of growing up in the hood. They're devoted and have their own schools. They keep their own religion by passing down even the most ancient teachings to their children. It's pretty much the same as growing up in an African-American community - just with more money. They're moms are so gosh-darn similar to my own and the ones I grew up around that I can't believe that the two communities don't even really communicate as much. I guess I just said why - money.

Multiple religions have restricted my "devotion" based on skin color (or the "mark of Cain", depending on what part of the religion you believe). So, as a default, I think I've been thrown into 10 different religions and 2 different political organizations in my 30+ years of existence on this earth. In any case, I've landed into the lower level of the privilege scale and, as a result, the bottom of the payscale.

So, politics dictate religion. Religion dictates politics. Rules are made by the few with money, power, and pull. Trying to see something from another's point of view is almost close to impossible nowadays (without the intervention of reality TV). What do I think of the Bible, politics, and all this mess?

I stopped thinking about it. I do personally support certain individuals. However, I've learned to look past the political parties, the religious icons, and the people who fuel both, to be able to make up my own mind. Something else I've learned - arguing with anyone is futile.

I stopped arguing about it. I leave people alone. I respect their religious and political beliefs and ask them more questions. I choose to walk away. I figure that way, I live and you live.

So what has me on this Bible kick? Curiosity. Wanting to know more about everyone's religious beliefs. I have to listen to a slew of different points of view. I like to listen to both the biased and the un(?)biased opinions. I take the whole perspective of everyone's perception.

I've been doing this research since I was little. I've found that both religion and money seemed to have slightly eluded me. I am now realizing how they are both so tightly related and learning now that if I want to learn more about money, I have to learn more about the Bibles.