Angry Rattlings.

Today's venture was... unexpected.

I did my best to keep my opinions impartial.

I think most people are displeased, in one way or another, of my choices.

I feel the need to explain them out in full detail, but won't.

I do understand that most people are not aware that what I want at this moment is to start my life over.

Once, I was a happy young lad. I would walk around and do things and spend money as I pleased. I felt lonely often. I just wanted someone to go on a vacation with... like a friend. Someone close.

The problem arose when I found out that having another person around costs money. *Me* money. I'm not referring to those that simply ask for a loan of a couple of bucks or more. I'm talking about the expectation split along the male/female gender lines. Basically, I look male. I'm expected to pay. For everything.

Lessons Learned - Again, again

I spent some time this evening thinking over things.

I have a lot of projects in the fire, most are in danger of being in some sort of dismay.

I'm trying my best to keep things together - happy - if you will.

I drove to work today exhausted. I had spent the whole night thinking over things: The Center, my freelance work, my job.

I had been working on restoring my relationship back to its full vigor. I took time out through numerous counseling sessions to find myself - to look deeper into the abyss that is "me".

I think if it weren't for the glimmer of things: Pachi's grunts, the little "hello" from newfound friends, the occasional Rice Dream Bites - I would have long ago succumbed to the fate that befalls many of us with depression.

As long as I've had a pet, the best thing for me to do is to distract myself with their love, care, and dedication. Even my rabbit, Pachi, has done so much to improve my self-esteem. He loves me, purely because I spend time with him.

Pachi's affection is pristine... and I use it as my Geiger-counter for fake or less than authentic flailing interactions with the "human" community. I can see when a person is just trying to pretend to like me, just for the reason to get what they want. It's easier to detect when I need to make a crucial move based off logic and avoid fictitious scenarios of friendship.

Each one of my buns has taught me so much about life: Snuggles - to laugh even when I'm crying; OodaBu - that 'tude is sometimes necessary; and finally, Pachi - to take time out to love the ones that love you back.

And now... I've learned to take my time, because it's a good thing.

Surviving the War

I've been fighting with this individual over the past 4 years now.

The person decided long ago to throw me away and kick me to the bricks. I haven't said much.

I think the thing that irritates me the most is that I tried to love this person, dearly. I sat, listened, even researched their cause, all in an attempt to get to know the person.

And I think I realized, just now, that the person didn't know that I changed.

The main reason why I say this "person" is no longer willing to cooperate or communicate with me is because the individual has given up on me and everything around me.

I sacrificed up my home, life, and well-being all for the cause of being more "myself". I guess you lose people in that battle.

Maybe people want you to become a part of an automaton community. They want to see you blend into the blahness of their surroundings.

And as soon as you say two words to anyone, they blow up at you. They make you feel like sh*t only because they themselves feel like sh*t.

So what do I do? I try to love them. Care for them. Understand them. Only to have these same people smack me in the face with nothing but disdain.

I should hate people. I should hate the way they treat me, the things that they say to me. I should want to tear them in two, and just laugh at their mangled mess. Their lives torn asunder.

But I don't. I sit. I wait. I PRAY for some sort of recognition that will tell me that my hope is not in vain.

Maybe one day this person will straighten up. Maybe this person will stop being so picky. Maybe one day, this person will grow up.