The Importance of Being Earnest...

I remember a time when I was able to get whatever I needed very easily. Then, I started to pretend. I became whoever I needed to be.

When I was 10, I was issued into the world of "being important". That world consisted of people telling you what to do, how to say things, and where to go. Etiquette was key, as well as being polite and understanding that someone needed to be accepted by the majority. Being different was okay, as long as it was within the boundaries of acceptance according to the social hierarchy.

So, I learned all these rules. I let myself become a pawn of the system. I had let myself be gay and ape the hetero norms of: being in a couple; buying a house; getting a dog/cat/both; and being the steadfast reliable member in the community. I used my "freeness" of not having unexpected children to help the homeless and elderly. I stayed away from kids and told them that this lifestyle is a choice. I went about the world as though being gay is okay as long as I'm not holding hands or showing affection. I made plans to drive a compact, earth-friendly, neo-environmental vehicle. I kept my lawn mowed. I made friends with my neighbors.

Then... then, my world fell apart - for the second time.

The first time my world collided, I came out as bi. I didn't know at the time if I wanted to totally give up men. I tried dating a few guys... some creeps, some nice. I gave up guys after I ran into an old flame from elementary school. He was still the same, but handsome. We hadn't seen each other in years and when he smiled, he became that little boy that I knew to have a crush on me. It felt like my life just went into a complete circle. After the date, I felt nothing. It was like the fire just went out in my heart. I liked guys. I really wanted to feel something with them. I knew that I wanted to feel the same passion I had around women. So I decided that maybe I was just tired of guys for a while and would just date women until that feeling wore off.

After about two years, I knew that I'd only want to date women. I had never met a guy that made me feel the same way I did around a woman. It didn't even matter what woman. It was like any eligible queer female, in general, would make me feel all warm and fuzzy in the inside. I just needed to find the right one.

Two years after that, I ran into someone that changed my world. I became a settled-down lesbian. I got a big yard, two-car carport, and started down a journey of becoming a well-known couple. And then, things took a turn.

I got up one morning and started to feel different. After being depressed for 3 years and getting another stable job, I thought everything was just going to go on automatic. I started to notice how terribly unhappy I felt. The feeling started seeping into me slowly, at first. I was able to stay joyful by distracting myself.

Then, one day, I woke up and was different. I couldn't describe exactly how or why. I thought maybe it would wear off in a few months.

And then... I just fell.

I stepped off the ledge. I watched myself do it. I was so tired and didn't want to be myself anymore. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to go somewhere that I hadn't been before. I was tired of watching people move away from me.

I started to see good stuff happen to me. I became more confident and felt better... and... I had fallen in love. I had been praying for years! I asked myself how. I wanted to know how to keep it. I asked Spirit, the Universe, and anyone I knew. And they all seemed genuinely happy for me. I still had a hard time believing it. And now, I'm have started to accept it.

The rules, the defining factors that was supposed to make me successful and prosperous, became some old folktale.

I woke up anew.

I saw the light.

Abandoned

Left on the side of the road, I see the cars pass me by.

It's wet and rainy. I'm cold.

I don't have anywhere to go, but trying to make it home.

It's nighttime and most people are warm in their beds... asleep.

I am walking, in the road.

It is wet, cold, and rainy.

I have no where to go, but trying to make it home.

Did I waste my time?

Did I sit here, wanting, waiting for nothing?

Did I try to make this work for absolutely no reason?

Did I sit and waste my time, and yours, hoping for something that would never be? Never happen?

I feel like I did.

I feel like I don't know what I was thinking.

Yes I do.

I was thinking, "If I try hard enough... then this will work."

I was thinking, "If you want it, then I will wait."

That was my problem.

I was thinking.

Changes

Over the past few weeks, a plethora of things have happened to me. One thing, in particular, pertains to emotions.

I always felt like I knew exactly how I felt about everything. I had lined up my morals likes little ducks all in a row. I knew what I'd do when and if a situation came about, I had plans on top of plans... and segues - just in case.

But over the past few years, I've noticed a trend... most of my thoughts and feelings don't coincide with the outcomes I expect... and thought I deserved. What would happen is that I'd go out with all intention to make my life better. And - I wouldn't do so lightly. I'd have a plan mapped out, with decisions that had to be made at every intersection point. I knew what to do when I got there or would know when I'd have to make the decision on the spot. For the latter, I would just go by every possible outcome that's been researched, combine them together, then make a final decision at the crossroads point. That way, I had all my bases covered - and then some.

So basically, I was a planner. An inevitable yet ruthless planner with lots of options. I made sure that every single thing that could be done with my current set of options (available to me at the time of making a decision) was met. I had it all... or so I thought.

Then one day, things changed - as they always do. I thought I had complete control over my emotions... that if they did get out of control - like bursting out crying in the middle of an intersection - then I would have a plan B automatically tallied in my head so I wouldn't have to think about it at the time.

But what happens... when you can't think?

What happens when your emotions take over and you have no time to think, redo, or remeasure this "new thing"?

What do you do when no one around you understands what's going on... but has an opinion about everything... and those opinions don't fit you as an individual?

What do you do?

Well, mass appeal would argue that you go through each and every step defining what's "right and wrong" for you. Then, sit down, and make a well-informed, researched decision. In the meanwhile, put your feelings on pause, hope for the best.

That's not good enough for me.

I need a plan.

So, I try my sturdy "use what you got in the moment to try to make an informed, last minute decision" plan.

Fail.

So, go with the flow. Eventually, things will pan out and smooth down, then you'll know exactly what to do.

Nope.

So...

Think of what one of your sacred role models would do. Follow in their footsteps and make deviations at the end according to your personal tastes, right??

Uh unh.

So... what? What now?!

Nothing.

You just have to sit there... and wait.

For what?

We don't know.

Nobody knows.

What is love and other meanderings...

How do you distiguish when you're in love.

Is it by something that someone has said?

Is it because that person truly believe that they are in love?

Is it because that person has nothing else to say... no other information comes to mind?

What is it and why does it happen?

Why do we need to connect?

Isn't it just enough that we are here?

Isn't this world dangerous and fun-filled enough?

Isn't there enough anger, hate, and violence or confusion?

I just want to know why we love?

And why can't we just destroy it or put it off?

Why?

My First "Official" Post - Friendship, relationships, and "hot buttered" stuff

Hello all,

I woke up this morning a little upset. I was trying to figure out what to do with my feelings.

Last night, my fiance and I had a long talk about caring and what it was like to be loved. I remember talking to her about how I never really thought that people "caring about me" was "not giving up". I thought they were two different things and that I was asking for too much when it came to making friendships and lasting romantic relationships.

I also remember talking about the difference between being loved by someone and someone being my friend. Believe it or not, I didn't know there was a real big difference. I always thought that these girls I would meet would be mad at me or behave the way that they did because they were trying to be my friend and I was not acting right. It was really because they liked me... like wanted to get with me. Although that might be obvious to some, I really didn't know that until I sat down and talked about it recently.

So now that I know this tidbit of information, I am very clear when I see a girl look at me a certain way that she is interested in me, whether she is aware of it consciously or not. I have always been able to see it. Now, I am the first one to think that I am very curmudgeonly and have very little striking good looks. I was a pimply kid who had this thick, juicy Jeri curl and talked very little. So to have these ladies look at me like some hot buttered biscuit is far beyond my understanding.

Evidently, somewhere in the middle I became this hot commodity. So, after all this research, talking, and getting on my fiance's nerves (no doubt), I finally figured it out and let it soak in that these girls liked me. Okay. Now what? So, I was eager to test it out. I wanted to see if I was right at all. So I tried it today. Yeah. My fiance was right. *Deep breath.*

So, now that I have this arsenal of information, I tried to figure out what to do with it all. Most people would say "Nothing." I would say that I need to find out how to deal with it. So, I think the best defense is a good offense here... basically meaning no bighead - just taking it as it comes.

After all this introspective thought, I figured that the best action would be to just wait. Wait for something to happen that I can deal with.

The Purpose of this Blog

Hello all,

This is my first "public" blog outside of Facebook and MySpace.

The purpose of this blog is for me to express my feelings, thoughts, and other things and receive commentary back from others about what they think, feel, and want to share, etc.

As my first entry, I felt that I should introduce myself and tell you something about me:

Growing up as a young child, the only thing that I knew was that I wanted to get out of the ghetto. I didn't know anything about life outside of it... just that I didn't want to be in it anymore. By the time I had received my scholarship to college, I knew that I had to chance "to be something". I tried forming relationships with my father (who I haven't seen for many years now... probably close to 15) and other people that I thought I wanted to know before I left, but it seemed like they weren't very interested. So, by the time I turned about 21, I figured that I knew everyone that I needed to know and would make new friends along the way.

Fast forward to 30 and I am still finding my way along the friendship highway. I think the most important thing I have learned is that people will be whatever way they choose to be. My partner (of 7 years now) has chosen to love and care about me. I did not ask her to, make her, or demand that of her. She chose that on her own. And now I see that I must choose people like her in my life.

So for now, what you'd need to know about me is that I am a super techie, super Trekkie, and that I love dining out and watching movies. I am newly vegan (for about 5+ years now) and am a HUGE Matrix fan. I can talk about the movie for hours!

Oh, and I'm pretty quiet. I don't say much, but when I do, I try to put some thought into it! I believe it's better to say something useful than a lot of nothing!!!

Well, that's the summary of me. What about you? What are your hopes, dreams, fantasies, whatever? I hope to see how this new "relationship" I'm forming turns out. Wish me luck!

Peace.