Lie

I dated a person that killed three people.

After seeing this movie, I was reminded of her:

She was the sweetest, kindest, most considerate person that I had been with, up to that time.

Alone

I know from the looks in people's eyes that they cannot understand me.

PTSD

I see their faces, trying desperately, just to attach on to something that I'm saying.

Generalized Anxiety

I wonder, out loud, "Is there something wrong with me? With what I'm saying?"

OCD

And then, I heard someone say something.

Something that I was thinking.

"I thought that most people thought like me. And now I see that they're batshit crazy."

What happened to social graces?

Decorum?

If you don't have anything nice to say...

... don't say it at all...

... or pose it as a passive-aggressive stance in a blog.

I think people forgot.

I think they forgot that racism is bad.

That sexism is bad.

That rape, violence, murder...

... that they're all bad.

We have candidates saying that rape produces a gift.

We have people who think that being bossy is something that's okay.

People are going insane.

They're going crazy.

And we're watching the world as it burns.

Standing on the sideline...

... and hoping for the best.

We are the few.

We are alone.

Drill

My favorite scene in the movie, "Pi":



At first, I didn't understand it.

True

Some women that I've met need to have this realization:



I learned, however, that I can't TELL them who they are.

Mood

Today, I had a Michael Cera moment:



Waving at people I don't know, saying hello to others that don't even hear me.

You know, those moments.

Looper

A few weeks ago, I told myself that I didn't need emotional support.

And then, I saw this movie:



Even the worst enemies need it.

Bullying

I was a St. Louis Mills last night when...

... I saw these flashing lights right outside of the "playground" entrance.

I started to walk to the exit doors, and they didn't open.

I found a side-door and pushed it opened then walked through.

I had been with a group of friends who, for the sake of this blog entry, are white females that look about 17 or 18. Both are over 21.

As we walked outside, I could see what looked like 100 teenagers crowded around the nearby theatre exit.

There hadn't appeared to be a fight, and none of the teenagers appeared to be making a commotion. So, I assumed that some movie had come out and the officers were just there to keep the peace.

I had parked my car behind the theatre's exit doors, so I had to walk past this massive amount of teens crowding the sidewalk to even get near my car.

The other pathway was directly into the group of cops, who were standing around in a circle, talking.

Right as I was deciding on the only logical path, the circle street section, I remember looking down to make sure that I didn't fall when stepping off the curb.

I looked up, and a young, white, male police officer was swiftly walking in my direction.

Odd, because there weren't any teenagers really near me.

I was carrying a large yellow shopping bag, full of over $100s of items that I purchased.

Surely... surely he saw that I was a patron. Someone that was caught in the crossfires of whatever was going on at the time.

He pulled out what looked like a night stick, and then extended it while shouting "Get in the street!"

My eyes turned into big headlights as I walked swiftly into the street.

We all grabbed hands, fearful of whatever was coming towards us.

I heard the teenagers screaming behind me.

They ran in all directions, and I didn't look back.

I was finally making it to the parking lot that contained my car when an officer abruptly asked "Where did you park?"

Confused, I said that I was heading to my car, just now, and slightly held up my shopping bag.

I took a breath and asked, while still walking, "What is going on? What happened?"

The officer seemed to calm a bit, noticing that from my voice, I wasn't some random teenager... I guess.

He responded, "Kids, just acting crazy."

I remember responding, but I don't know what I said.

We walked swiftly to the car, trying our best to get out of whatever was going on.

This afternoon, I searched repeatedly for some news article, video, or just a snippet of someone making a Facebook comment regarding last night's encounter.

I found... nothing.

After talking with another friend, who was not there, I came to the conclusion that the teenagers were probably bored... having nothing to do and nowhere to go.

However, how did they even get there?

The bus doesn't really run that frequently or else, I would suspect, they'd all be at their respective bus stops - away from the mall.

The Metrolink does not go anywhere near Hazelwood, to my understanding.

So, that leaves - parents.

But, why would parents drop off their children at a mall that would promptly kick them out hours before it actually closed?

And why wouldn't those parents be there to pick up their kids?

If there was no fight, disturbance, or otherwise, why would the police abruptly approach the teenagers instead of, from previous experience, just tell the kids that they'd need to disperse - in a calming, understanding sort of way?

To be truthful, the kids were, mostly, black.

The officers, almost entirely a group of white men.

Have we started back?

Are the tables turning, again?

Fair-weather

An ungodly hot summer, car stereo blasting, this song comes on:



And then, it dawns on me.

Class

I've started taking courses again:



One of the things I've found most interesting is the fact that I look like the other students.

Apathy

Ahhh... apathy:



I really do think people have no idea of it's true definition.

Precious

I was looking for clips from Precious and ran across this one:




And I got through approximately 4 minutes and 12 seconds of it before I had a nauseating feeling.

Exhausted

I couldn't find a video to relate to what I feel right now, so I'll just have to do without.

Today, I am recovering from diarrhea, dehydration (obviously), lack of sleep, and general overall tiredness.

I'm at the end of a 40 hour work-week... dealing with questions, snippy answers, and loads of attitude.

The last thing I needed right now, and this morning, was to experience anything that would have just made dealing with all that any harder than it needed to be.

Privileged

Sometimes, I think that parents really missed giving their kids a reason to earn things:

Teaching Children to Earn Privileges -- powered by ehow

As a child from the projects/welfare system, I know what it means to have to earn things that you want.

PTSD

This is what most people think I went through when I say PTSD:



Well, that's partially true.

Hotel

I was just here, today:



But, that's not where I stayed.

Minutia

\mə-ˈnü-sh(ē-)ə (noun): Trivial details of something.



I go through daily details, in my head... of everything.

Labyrinth

Today, I walked a Labyrinth:



At first, I was full of doubt.

Fighting

I have asked myself the following, many times:




Regardless of my attempts to figure out the question, I always get the same answer.

Father

I pretended to be a father figure.




This pretending was so good, that I believed it myself. For years.

Space

I miss wanting to be an astronaut.

I think it was the number one thing I had hopes on as a child.

Zeitgeist

I learned a lot from this movie, today:



Admittedly, though, I fell asleep in the middle of it.

Regrets

I should have went home at 5:00PM. I should have taken the nicely-wrapped day and left it where it lay. I should have said, "No, I'll meet up with you later." I should have gone home at 5:00PM. I should have said to myself, "You know, things have been nice. Let's leave it here." I should have never said, "This day has been a really good Saturday, so far." I should have never, ever let someone hurt me. I should have said, "Stop being a raging bitch and calm the f*ck down." I should have caught a cab home. I should have saved my money for something more special. I should have never thought that things would be okay. I should have known better.

Truth

I always to try seek the reality of situations:



I feel like hiding the truth is unnecessary.

WRONG

Anyone that knows me knows that I try to be serious about things, with a slight sense of humor:




The main character always says the same thing: "I didn't DO anything."

But bad things keep happening.

Proof

One of my most favorite movies:



Although I'm not quite the mathematician they are, I appreciate the theories.

Hate

No pictures... no videos... just me.

I am starting to develop "hate".

Before now, I was quite sure that I knew what Hate was.

And then, just now... I experienced it in its true form.

It's like this amalgam of feelings.

They're not dark and disgusting like you'd think they'd be.

It's more like... a bad taste... putrid... as if someone poured you a big bowl of acid.

It sits right above my heart, in such a way that I don't even know how else to really describe it.

Perches?

I think it definitely perches.

It's as though someone took Hate and made it into a tangible object.

And then, it all made sense...

... the Westboro Baptist Church signs...

... the lynchings in the South...

... slavery...

... beatings...

... it all started to fall into place.

It's the opposite of love, without really being all that different from it.

It's like the Agent Smith to the Neo.

The Yin to the Yang.

It is the direct and complete opposite of what we've come to expect.

And just as love progresses... Hate shows it's face in an equally appealing light.

I tried not to Hate.

But now, I see that it is an essential part of life... and my well-being.

Perfect

I'm going to start this off with Alanis:



This is the theme of my existence.

Rant

This was my feeling for about over a week now:



It's almost like no one is really listening.