Did I waste my time?

Did I sit here, wanting, waiting for nothing?

Did I try to make this work for absolutely no reason?

Did I sit and waste my time, and yours, hoping for something that would never be? Never happen?

I feel like I did.

I feel like I don't know what I was thinking.

Yes I do.

I was thinking, "If I try hard enough... then this will work."

I was thinking, "If you want it, then I will wait."

That was my problem.

I was thinking.

Changes

Over the past few weeks, a plethora of things have happened to me. One thing, in particular, pertains to emotions.

I always felt like I knew exactly how I felt about everything. I had lined up my morals likes little ducks all in a row. I knew what I'd do when and if a situation came about, I had plans on top of plans... and segues - just in case.

But over the past few years, I've noticed a trend... most of my thoughts and feelings don't coincide with the outcomes I expect... and thought I deserved. What would happen is that I'd go out with all intention to make my life better. And - I wouldn't do so lightly. I'd have a plan mapped out, with decisions that had to be made at every intersection point. I knew what to do when I got there or would know when I'd have to make the decision on the spot. For the latter, I would just go by every possible outcome that's been researched, combine them together, then make a final decision at the crossroads point. That way, I had all my bases covered - and then some.

So basically, I was a planner. An inevitable yet ruthless planner with lots of options. I made sure that every single thing that could be done with my current set of options (available to me at the time of making a decision) was met. I had it all... or so I thought.

Then one day, things changed - as they always do. I thought I had complete control over my emotions... that if they did get out of control - like bursting out crying in the middle of an intersection - then I would have a plan B automatically tallied in my head so I wouldn't have to think about it at the time.

But what happens... when you can't think?

What happens when your emotions take over and you have no time to think, redo, or remeasure this "new thing"?

What do you do when no one around you understands what's going on... but has an opinion about everything... and those opinions don't fit you as an individual?

What do you do?

Well, mass appeal would argue that you go through each and every step defining what's "right and wrong" for you. Then, sit down, and make a well-informed, researched decision. In the meanwhile, put your feelings on pause, hope for the best.

That's not good enough for me.

I need a plan.

So, I try my sturdy "use what you got in the moment to try to make an informed, last minute decision" plan.

Fail.

So, go with the flow. Eventually, things will pan out and smooth down, then you'll know exactly what to do.

Nope.

So...

Think of what one of your sacred role models would do. Follow in their footsteps and make deviations at the end according to your personal tastes, right??

Uh unh.

So... what? What now?!

Nothing.

You just have to sit there... and wait.

For what?

We don't know.

Nobody knows.

What is love and other meanderings...

How do you distiguish when you're in love.

Is it by something that someone has said?

Is it because that person truly believe that they are in love?

Is it because that person has nothing else to say... no other information comes to mind?

What is it and why does it happen?

Why do we need to connect?

Isn't it just enough that we are here?

Isn't this world dangerous and fun-filled enough?

Isn't there enough anger, hate, and violence or confusion?

I just want to know why we love?

And why can't we just destroy it or put it off?

Why?