Lessons Learned - Again, again

I spent some time this evening thinking over things.

I have a lot of projects in the fire, most are in danger of being in some sort of dismay.

I'm trying my best to keep things together - happy - if you will.

I drove to work today exhausted. I had spent the whole night thinking over things: The Center, my freelance work, my job.

I had been working on restoring my relationship back to its full vigor. I took time out through numerous counseling sessions to find myself - to look deeper into the abyss that is "me".

I think if it weren't for the glimmer of things: Pachi's grunts, the little "hello" from newfound friends, the occasional Rice Dream Bites - I would have long ago succumbed to the fate that befalls many of us with depression.

As long as I've had a pet, the best thing for me to do is to distract myself with their love, care, and dedication. Even my rabbit, Pachi, has done so much to improve my self-esteem. He loves me, purely because I spend time with him.

Pachi's affection is pristine... and I use it as my Geiger-counter for fake or less than authentic flailing interactions with the "human" community. I can see when a person is just trying to pretend to like me, just for the reason to get what they want. It's easier to detect when I need to make a crucial move based off logic and avoid fictitious scenarios of friendship.

Each one of my buns has taught me so much about life: Snuggles - to laugh even when I'm crying; OodaBu - that 'tude is sometimes necessary; and finally, Pachi - to take time out to love the ones that love you back.

And now... I've learned to take my time, because it's a good thing.

Surviving the War

I've been fighting with this individual over the past 4 years now.

The person decided long ago to throw me away and kick me to the bricks. I haven't said much.

I think the thing that irritates me the most is that I tried to love this person, dearly. I sat, listened, even researched their cause, all in an attempt to get to know the person.

And I think I realized, just now, that the person didn't know that I changed.

The main reason why I say this "person" is no longer willing to cooperate or communicate with me is because the individual has given up on me and everything around me.

I sacrificed up my home, life, and well-being all for the cause of being more "myself". I guess you lose people in that battle.

Maybe people want you to become a part of an automaton community. They want to see you blend into the blahness of their surroundings.

And as soon as you say two words to anyone, they blow up at you. They make you feel like sh*t only because they themselves feel like sh*t.

So what do I do? I try to love them. Care for them. Understand them. Only to have these same people smack me in the face with nothing but disdain.

I should hate people. I should hate the way they treat me, the things that they say to me. I should want to tear them in two, and just laugh at their mangled mess. Their lives torn asunder.

But I don't. I sit. I wait. I PRAY for some sort of recognition that will tell me that my hope is not in vain.

Maybe one day this person will straighten up. Maybe this person will stop being so picky. Maybe one day, this person will grow up.

Trippin' on insane sh*t

Yesterday, I spent a good portion of the meeting time I had explaining the difference between responsibility, empathy, and selfishness.

My problem is that I've grown to expect people to be selfish. Not in the "the world, she's mine (evil laugh)" sort of way. Moreso in the "I have no idea what I'm doing in life, so I'm going to push and bully people until I do."

When I started out in the work force when I was 14 years old, I knew nothing about people, places (other than my own), and how to work my way around either. I felt like a virtual blackhole of nothingness was my key to success. Maybe they'd take me innocent, I'd say, and then just let me be.

Well, what I found was that the world is full of rapist, robbers, and catty people. All of them are disguised in different ways. Think of the "to catch a predator" sort of way... most people in the nice jackets, clean-shaven, wanting to say "please" and "thank you" are the sort that get little kids and lock them up in rooms. I was scared of all of them.

And that fear, it taught me a valuable lesson... don't trust anyone more than you can throw them. And I'm small... which means I can't throw ANYONE.

Anywho, back to my story:

After explaining time and time again that people around here tend to be less likely to show some sort of simple compassion, I essentially had to break it down like this:

* Siblings: People who have siblings, especially ones that they have to take care of, know how to show empathy. They have to feel how their sibling must be feeling in order to understand what to do to take care of them. One step further - they now have to know how to take care of THEMSELVES in order to know how to take care of their sibling.

* Only children - People who have grown up fortunate enough to not really have to ever watch anyone in their whole entire young adult life have developed a Me-First attitude. Moreso of the extremer kind that screams "HEY YOU, YOU LOOK AT ME! DAMN IT! LOOK - AT - MEEE!"

I'd explain away that "Oh, this isn't every circumstance." or "Hey, some people grow up differently..." but I 'm REALLY tired of the bullsh*t surrounding people who are too selfish, immature, and just downright stupid about being too selfish. I know I repeated that... you have no idea how much selfishness attitude I've gotten lately.

Let's take in point the scenario when I ask for help. People think, "Hey, I wonder if *such and such* already asked *insert organization here." and then they ask me, right? No. They say, "Hey, Buttface... you shoulda checked *insert organization* (snicker, snicker, along with their stupid ass friends)". Yeah, that's high school. Doesn't STOP at high school.

So, why haven't I gone batsh*t crazy, stood on a tower, and just tried to blow up something? Maybe because I'm just angry enough to know that there are certain stupid people who keep their stupidness to their circle (thank god) and that some day, those same stupid people will have a baby, cousin, or little brother that will give them a RUN FOR THEIR MONEY. Why? Because I've seen it happen time and time again in my life. I've just got ONE MORE PERSON that I'd LOVE to see smacked the sh*t out of that is a relative... you know who you are.

So, where does this lead me all to? Just to say that people are stupid, have no responsibility, and getting stupider year by year (there are studies on that one). The internet phase has come and gone. And now, people are - more than ever - hiding behind their glass-encased ceilings of hierarchy and solitude, just waiting for some dumb sleuth to try to find their way into their little pristine cage.

All that said, I'm really tired of dealing with these people. The only thing I can do is surround myself with love (namely my bun and certain people) and just hope/pray that they (whoever they are) will come to their senses and stop acting like a stupid b*tch.