Angry Rattlings.

Today's venture was... unexpected.

I did my best to keep my opinions impartial.

I think most people are displeased, in one way or another, of my choices.

I feel the need to explain them out in full detail, but won't.

I do understand that most people are not aware that what I want at this moment is to start my life over.

Once, I was a happy young lad. I would walk around and do things and spend money as I pleased. I felt lonely often. I just wanted someone to go on a vacation with... like a friend. Someone close.

The problem arose when I found out that having another person around costs money. *Me* money. I'm not referring to those that simply ask for a loan of a couple of bucks or more. I'm talking about the expectation split along the male/female gender lines. Basically, I look male. I'm expected to pay. For everything.

Most people would probably take that to mean that whenever a person is around me, that I should expect that their femaleness requires exquisite catering. That's a bit much for me, but then again, we are in the western world.

After many years of debating who I am and what I want, I feel that this male/female gender division has suddenly affected my relationships with women. What used to be just a friendly chat or debate has now caused people to literally curse me out and call me a weirdo (awkward) of some sort. This does hurt my feelings, but I think people really don't think how or what the repercussions would even be for me.

That brings me to the bit about empathy. People lack it, period. I try to have it. Actually, I have a lot more of it than most people in my family - combined. I don't know why. I've tried to harden myself. I've tried to associate myself with anyone that would blatantly call me an asshole, treat me badly, or just - in general - shoot down any good ideas that I would have. I never grew harden of my heart. So totally an utter failure.

I want to just scream at the heavens and ask them what's the problem? Why do you have to give me such a heart to try to understand both sides of the scenario? Why can't I love enough to be able to just take care and only care about me and my needs and maybe those of a select few people?!

I think this is God's laugh. I think he smiles down on us and laughs at our little quibbles... he spits in our eyes and tells us to walk a straight line or else we fall down into oblivion. That is the God I see. That is the Spirit I feel. I think no one sees it this way because they are not in my scenario. They do not know my financial woes, health condition, or basic karma/luck. They don't know me, but they tell me they do. And they want me to respond accordingly.

So, I spit in the eye of those that I dislike. Just like my Father taught me to do.