Freedom

I sat... rather, laid... watching the following program on Netflix last night:

Watch the full episode. See more The Buddha.

Buddha.

For years, I have been attracted to Tibetan culture.

I don't exactly know when it started... possibly a PBS program that just grabbed my eye. It was something about watching monks clothed in orange and red robes that fascinated me. There's no real logical tie to my upbringing, either.

I grew up in the typical urban ghetto neighborhood, replete with project-style housing and limited resources. My family was always odd, though. I remember helping my mom turn-over the grass so that it would grow stronger in our front yard. I'd run the push lawnmower over the entire length of that natural green carpet every spring. My mom tried to even grow a little garden, of sorts. Fresh peaches grew in the back yard. And the old folks across the way grew corn, green beans, and cabbage along with a small grove of other veggies in their small plot of land. So, maybe it wasn't typical ghetto, but it quickly became that way.

I saw people start to leave, along with the fresh peaches and old folks' garden. I thought, "When is it going to be my turn?". My mom waited for this thing called Section 8 Housing. We were on a list. And the list was VERY long. I was thirteen when I realized that mom had been on this list for almost my entire lifetime. I couldn't wait to have my own home... I pictured a waterhose, fenced-in backyard, and - more importantly, to me - a pet dog.

By college, I had given up. I saw that no one really wanted to get us out of the ghetto. After watching my mother give up time with us to go back to school, get her diploma, then take night courses to be a CNA and finally get job-after-job until she couldn't physically work anymore, I saw that the system was geared elsewhere. And maybe that's when I found Buddha.

I started to meditate.

For the life of me, I have no idea how I even knew to really do this. I just sat down, closed my eyes, crossed my legs while sitting on my bed, and began to breathe deeply. I let my mind wander, sometimes for hours. I sat there, thinking... rolling over scenarios that danced in my head... looking for the truth. And oftentimes, I found it.

The truth... lay somewhere in the middle way.



It took me until watching the movie Little Buddha (with a slightly unknown Keanu Reeves) to realize that I was doing it right all along. But then, why did I keep feeling like other people were telling me I was wrong. I wouldn't find that answer out until years later.

I don't know if you've heard the story about how crabs in a bucket will pull each other down to get out, but inadvertently still attributing to their own demise. Well, that's what I went through. For many years, I thought that I just needed to listen to all of the other people's thoughts... when they were actually just trying to set me up to fall down. No one told me, until my mom mentioned it - and then things began to click.

I began to see that the only way out of this mentality was to remove myself from the issue as much as I could. I hung onto afterschool tutorial classes, even if I didn't need them. I took every advanced placement course offered to me. I worked every summer in Jr High and High School to ensure that I saved up some money. Then at my first opportunity, I went to a college that provided me with a full scholarship. Needless to say, I fled from my scenario.

After I returned from college, fully disillusioned that people there would have been MUCH more mature than the folks I just left at home, I began to realize that there's more to this life than a major change in existence.

I chose a religion. Let's just say that it didn't work out for me and avoid the "what kind" and "who" questions.

And then, I found this:



Metaphysics.

Granted, it's not much more different than me finding Buddha, but it was getting closer to what I wanted.

And that's where we stop.

I am still in the exploration phase. Although I don't know much about metaphysics, I am slowly working my way towards understanding it better.

In a way, I have finally begun to free myself from the conventions of mind that were taught to me long ago and started to explore my own path.

I am anxious to see what awaits me next...