Perfect

I'm going to start this off with Alanis:



This is the theme of my existence.

I did nothing than try to perfect myself over the years.

I remember the first time I was told to be perfect.

I was about 10 years old... slow moving.

I wanted to make sure that I cracked the ice, perfectly, from the ice tray container.

I was taking too long.

I was told that.

Then, fast forward to 12 years old.

I was going to meet a mentor when I was hanging out with friends.

And then I was told "straighten up, act right, act like you have some sense."

I was never the child to be told that.

I was always the good child.

I never acted up... and now I was bad... and scared.

17, going off to college.

I didn't make valedictorian.

I could see the silent look in folks' face.

The look of... disappointment.

The "I could have done better" look.

Then, 1998.

I was 22.

I had not finished college.

And, I dropped out.

I left.

I could not handle it: emotionally, financially, or otherwise.

I was hurt, damaged... damaged goods, as they say.

I was worth nothing.

My mentor said that I would be nothing but a college dropout.

That I'd never go back.

That I would be just like all the rest.

I was homesick, tired, and felt mentally disturbed.

I needed help.

No one understood me.

Told me to just be chipper.

To get out of it.

To shake it off.

I was depressed.

I know that now.

And I've stopped listening.

But, I'm still trying to be perfect.

I still want to be the best employee that I can be.

The best student that there ever was.

The quietest person on the block.

The perfect tenant in my apartment.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Perfect.

And I don't know how to stop.

It's not simple...

... it's not a "don't".

It's a "can't".

Don't tell me I can... I've tried it.

I have to learn to live with it.

Cope.

Develop some technique that will get me through the day.

Thank you Meredith, Erin, Blue, Seanna for listening...

... and kudos to Alexis for staying in there.

I have tried to be perfect for all of you.

And am failing miserably.

Thank you.

I am learning now...

... that failure is part of growing.

And growing is not being perfect.