The Importance of Being Earnest...

I remember a time when I was able to get whatever I needed very easily. Then, I started to pretend. I became whoever I needed to be.

When I was 10, I was issued into the world of "being important". That world consisted of people telling you what to do, how to say things, and where to go. Etiquette was key, as well as being polite and understanding that someone needed to be accepted by the majority. Being different was okay, as long as it was within the boundaries of acceptance according to the social hierarchy.

So, I learned all these rules. I let myself become a pawn of the system. I had let myself be gay and ape the hetero norms of: being in a couple; buying a house; getting a dog/cat/both; and being the steadfast reliable member in the community. I used my "freeness" of not having unexpected children to help the homeless and elderly. I stayed away from kids and told them that this lifestyle is a choice. I went about the world as though being gay is okay as long as I'm not holding hands or showing affection. I made plans to drive a compact, earth-friendly, neo-environmental vehicle. I kept my lawn mowed. I made friends with my neighbors.

Then... then, my world fell apart - for the second time.

The first time my world collided, I came out as bi. I didn't know at the time if I wanted to totally give up men. I tried dating a few guys... some creeps, some nice. I gave up guys after I ran into an old flame from elementary school. He was still the same, but handsome. We hadn't seen each other in years and when he smiled, he became that little boy that I knew to have a crush on me. It felt like my life just went into a complete circle. After the date, I felt nothing. It was like the fire just went out in my heart. I liked guys. I really wanted to feel something with them. I knew that I wanted to feel the same passion I had around women. So I decided that maybe I was just tired of guys for a while and would just date women until that feeling wore off.

After about two years, I knew that I'd only want to date women. I had never met a guy that made me feel the same way I did around a woman. It didn't even matter what woman. It was like any eligible queer female, in general, would make me feel all warm and fuzzy in the inside. I just needed to find the right one.

Two years after that, I ran into someone that changed my world. I became a settled-down lesbian. I got a big yard, two-car carport, and started down a journey of becoming a well-known couple. And then, things took a turn.

I got up one morning and started to feel different. After being depressed for 3 years and getting another stable job, I thought everything was just going to go on automatic. I started to notice how terribly unhappy I felt. The feeling started seeping into me slowly, at first. I was able to stay joyful by distracting myself.

Then, one day, I woke up and was different. I couldn't describe exactly how or why. I thought maybe it would wear off in a few months.

And then... I just fell.

I stepped off the ledge. I watched myself do it. I was so tired and didn't want to be myself anymore. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to go somewhere that I hadn't been before. I was tired of watching people move away from me.

I started to see good stuff happen to me. I became more confident and felt better... and... I had fallen in love. I had been praying for years! I asked myself how. I wanted to know how to keep it. I asked Spirit, the Universe, and anyone I knew. And they all seemed genuinely happy for me. I still had a hard time believing it. And now, I'm have started to accept it.

The rules, the defining factors that was supposed to make me successful and prosperous, became some old folktale.

I woke up anew.

I saw the light.

Abandoned

Left on the side of the road, I see the cars pass me by.

It's wet and rainy. I'm cold.

I don't have anywhere to go, but trying to make it home.

It's nighttime and most people are warm in their beds... asleep.

I am walking, in the road.

It is wet, cold, and rainy.

I have no where to go, but trying to make it home.